Sometime, still now, I do think whether I should have pushed myself more for my modelling carrier. Whether it was not meant to be, or it was just me giving up so fast, or not being strong enough.
I loved my job, and in the same time, I was scared of the outcome that will follow when pushing the carrier. I hated that people who I don't know knew me, commenting on me, looking me, and following me. It scared me so much. It made me feel sick sometime. I was scared of internet, social networking, unknown people.. Maybe I am still scared.
Even though I loved my job, how could I have achieved a success if I was deep inside fearing and trying to avoid the success?
Six months ago, after only 3 months of living in Tokyo as a model, I was crushing down in ashes. I was empty. There was literary nothing within me. I couldn't care, I couldn't think. All I wanted to do was just to lay down on the floor and never move again. And I was doing that most of the time. Laying on the floor or on the bed, staring at the sailing and letting the time to pass by.
Though, there were so many important decisions I had to take, quickly. I couldn't decide. I couldn't focus thinking of anything.
Friends helped me a lot back then. Without them, I don't know what would I have been. But the very person who actually helped me out of that darkness was, on my surprise, my own heart and emotions.
I asked to my heart again and again.
"What should I do?"
Looking for an answer of where to live next, how to make a living, what kind of job to do while being a model, how to keep myself together to not break down, etc.
My heart didn't give me the answers I wanted.
"I want to go to Okinawa"
"I want to meet a friend who I met once a long time ago"
the heart answered.
That was the stupidest and the most out of place wish. I didn't have time, money, or a good enough reason to do it. It was not realistic answer. It was not what I needed.
"I want to meet this friend. I must meet this friend. If only I can meet this person, everththjng will be okay. I will be able to breath once again. I will be out of this darkest hole I have no idea how I fall into"
"I have to go to Okinawa"
I waited for a week. Promised myself if after a week I still was obsessed with these thoughts, then I'll just leap in.
Every morning, the very first thing I was thinking was these two things.
"I must meet this person"
"I want to go to Okinawa"
During the day, when I was taking a shower, when I was walking, in the train, in the house, when being with people, before sleeping, even in the dreams. For a week, these thoughts were always there. Didn't go away. That was the reason that made me go forward without breaking down in ashes, just yet.
On the 7th day, in front of the Apple Store in Omotesandō street, I surrendered to my heart and emotions. I made a decision. I gathered a courage and called my manager to ask for few days of off-schedule. I thought it was impossible. Turned out it was the easiest thing in the world.
Then I called the friend. Telling that I wanted to go to Okinawa, and asking if there were any places to stay. The answer was: "you can stay at my guest house. Since it is you, you don't have to pay the full price. Don't need to pay for food either. Just air plain ticket. Come when you want". Wow.
"When are you coming?"
my friend asked.
"Is tomorrow too early?"
"思い立ったが吉日やろ ("the day you decided is the best day to do it" Japanese saying)"
I bought a ticket on the spot. It was cheaper than going back to my home city. After less than 24 hours, I was in Okinawa, with people who I never met before, eating outside on the road, laughing, drinking, singing. Haven't feel so alive, so happy, so free, and so light for a very long time. Joy was filling me.
That was 8th of June 2016.
On 29th of June, I moved to Naha.
I lived there for four months.
Now I am living in Ishigaki island.
Life is strage and leave us a lot of questions. I do think back, think whether it was the right choice. If I didn't push myself hard enough. If I was just escaping from what wasn't comfortable for me. If everything was my fault.
You live only once, and you don't know when the unwanted visitor nocks your door. Thus, I decided to take everyday as my last day. Fulfill my life of joy and happiness. Do what I want. Work toward what I want while stopping here and there and be amazed by the world's beauty.
There are days I feel negative, angry, sad, or lost. Of course. That is life. Life is a flow of change. It goes up and down. And all of it makes a life complete and just right.
I am in peace.
I am making all the decisions for myself.
I am choosing my next steps in life.
I am responsible for my choices, no one else.
That makes me be free.
That makes me content.
Yes, I do believe I made a right choice.
And the adventure is just on its introduction page. I am looking forward and excited to see what will be in the next chapter: Australia. But for now, I'll just enjoy and cherish everyday living in this beautiful island.