ume's wanderlust diary

gratitude list

I am surrounded by so many nice people. 


Today I was talking to the checker guy, Lee, that it was really hot.  After a while he came in my lane and gave me Aiced Coke. You can imagine how pleased I was. 


Then in the very end of the picking of the day, I was still working on my one tray when the checkers called us to go home. A guy, who I never had spoken before helped me fill up the trash tray, so that I could get one coin and extra money. 


And so many kind and loving friends. Jess always gives me back-massage after work, and tabacco. Sol also gives me tabacco and she is always on my side when I need her help. Jacob and Daniel always cheer me up when I am having hard time picking, and they always give me tabacco and cold drinks. 

When I told them I had pain on my wrist, Mario went to the city to buy me a spray to cool down my wrist pain. 


There is hard time, of course. That can be work, or sore body, or maybe stuff going on in my life and in my mind. But there are so many good people and a lot of love around me. 


Someone once said to me, "yeah you get all these nice things becuse you are beautiful. Your look gives you privilege from the beginning". That made me really sad, a couple of months ago, and it still aches in me... 


When someone gives me something, whether it is some"thing" or a gesture, I sometime doubt whether they do it because of my look. Perhaps they do it because they are looking for some sort of outcome from me?


 But I don't want to think so. I want to believe that it is because it's "me" that they do these things. It is not the outlook I got, but because of my personality, my words, my attitude, my character, or maybe my smile. 


I want to believe so. 

Because it is sad when you start to doubt someone's kindness. 

Yeah it is true that nothing is more expensive than free. But still, when someone gives me, or do something for me, I want to accept it. I don't want to reject it. Because it's their heart. And I want to receive their heart and their sincerity, kindness. 


I can work harder when people do nice things to me. I can work harder because I want to make them happy. I want to make them proud of me. 


Maybe I don't give back in the way they want. Maybe I should work hard for myself, not relying on others. But that's how I am made. That's who I am. 


Do you know how I am made? 

Do you know what kind of person I am? 


You said that I didn't open up with you. That you cannot read me, and you still haven't catch the person I am. 

Well. My dear. You didn't let me talk. You only wanted to see. And we spoken different language of the universe maybe. We had different ways, both correct in their ways. You perhaps don't see it, which makes me sad.


It is true I have a lot of obstacles and complications, that I still have a lot to grow up. But it is also true, that I do get completely different reaction from others. I am just so sad you don't see what other sees in me. And I am sorry that I couldn't show you what people sees in me. 


And that is the same for me on your regard. 


But that's fine.

One day, maybe we understand. 

Maybe we don't. 

Either way is fine. 


The sky is pink. Such a beautiful sunset. That is all I need for this moment, and it is just enough. I am greatful for all the kindness I got today. 


A lot of love, to all whom gives me love all the time. 


Love you all

So much